Tales From the Dark Side

Lyme Chronicles - Tales From the Dark Side

As I was talking to my mom last week on the phone and the blur of the past eleven years of Lyme disease mixed with yet another wave of symptoms was crashing down on my world, I asked her to have her church pray for me...especially since we haven't really plugged in anywhere since we moved to a new city. Without hesitation she said, "I'm on it." In the midst of my funk and despair she made me laugh, which I appreciate more than she probably knows. She told me she calls the Lyme bouts "Tales from the Dark Side." And while that title is pretty funny and cracks me up, there is unfortunately a whole lot of truth to it, too.
I am grateful that my mom has learned so much about Lyme disease. I don't feel that chasm of misunderstanding.  She even knows two other ladies that she has befriended who are going through their own battle with this stupid illness.
On a good day it can look to others like I am probably healthier than they are...I'm glad I dont look like I feel, I might get locked up and tested by a government facility if I resembled how I feel on the inside, or possibly shot by a scared citizen.

I have for the most part given up on trying to explain what it is to people anymore. It's hard to describe. It's hard to find words. The blank stare and inability for people to grasp the depth of what I am trying to convey only brings about a deeper awareness that I will gain very few companions on this journey who will "get it".

 Not that everyone needs to get it, but there is something nurturing to the soul when you feel understood.
I don't know that there are even words that feel adequate to describe it. I mean, I could easily spout off a list of symptoms, point people to websites, endless articles on the drama behind the scenes of Lyme disease, etc. but that is not what I mean when I say it can't be described. It's the experience of the symptoms that knocks the wind out you. The heart wrenching rollercoaster of heartbreak, dashed hopes, elusive answers, and the unclear treatment path. The desperate attempt at a cure that ends up feeling like grasping at the wind. The emotional weariness that makes you crave to be in heaven with Jesus from the very depths of your being. The hours, days and years that have slipped by and seem to have been survived more than lived. That sense of feeling robbed of the plans you had to be that amazing mom, wife and friend to others. Instead it seems that life has been spent getting IV treatments, eating a diet concocted through trial and error, taking supplements numerous times throughout the day and doing the bare minimum (eat, sleep, exercise, attempts at connecting with the kin I live with) and feeling like its a huge undertaking.

 One of the things that gets to me the most is when I can't focus and my brain feels like a blob. When I can't retain things I really want to remember well or the difficulty in taking on tasks that require lots of mental focus or require an ability to handle negative stresses. Things that used to be a normal part of life that have become unattainable...for now. (I still hope to get better.)

 And even though I am tremendously blessed with an amazing husband, fabulous kids, the ability to homeschool and I am able to see a doctor for treatment, there is still a heaviness there. Its like having a gourmet meal served to you but you have no taste buds. You can't experience the fullness of what's in front of you because your senses are dulled. They are being shredded apart by the endless affliction. While there have been stretches where life feels almost normal on the outside, and symptoms slow from a raging boil to a slow simmer, the heart is always painfully aware of that thorn in the flesh.
And even though I don't understand the whys of it all,

God has revealed so much truth to me in the midst of this living nightmare. Not by way of feelings, be it emotional or spiritual highs, but through the Word. Endless hours of expository teaching from K-House and laying on a couch listening to K-Wave. There is one sure thing that will push you to search for Truth, and that is when all your ability to experience comfort in this world is stripped away.

I am so grateful for the promises of God and that in the end it will be worth it all.

Until that time I will cling to Him and when I lose my grip I am so glad to know that His hands are strong enough to carry me through.

 

I am grateful for the moments where I have been able to catch my breath and have some laughs and joyful experiences with my kids and husband. But even the best of joys experienced here are but a foretaste of heaven. Even with all we think we know, it is hardly even a drop in the bucket.

I am looking forward to heaven. Don't get me wrong, I love my family very much and all, but better is one day in His courts than thousands elsewhere. Did you catch that? Elsewhere includes the most amazing place you could imagine spending your days here on this perishing Earth. Oh the joy that will be experienced! I am grateful for the Psalms, for Job and for songwriters who use their gifts to create masterpieces of music that put words to my innermost feelings and experiences. I could give a  laundry list, but in the interest of time I leave you with this one. I love this song, but here is the original writing:

Absent from flesh! O blissful thought!
 What unknown joys this moment brings!
 Freed from the mischiefs sin has brought,
 From pains, and fears, and all their springs.

Absent from flesh! Illustrious day!
 Surprising scene! triumphant stroke
 That rends the prison of my clay;
 And I can feel my fetters broke.

Absent from flesh! then rise, my soul,
 Where feet nor wings could never climb,
 Beyond the heavens, where planets roll,
 Beyond all keep of time.

I go where God and glory shine,
 His presence makes eternal day:
 My all that's mortal I resign,
 For angels wait and point my way.

-Isaac Watts